I haven't a hair in the world

Hahahahaha. No, seriously though, my hair is falling out. 

There are so many reasons why this could be. There are a few things in my life at the moment that are causing me a lot of stress. I'm taking a break from the pill for a while, so my hormones could be out of whack. I've been vegetarian since we got back from England and haven't been taking my iron supplements, so it might be anemia. It could be whatever it is that's causing my cankle. I also have dandruff (sorry, I know that's gross), and I could just be scratching too hard. But what terrifies me is that it could simply be that my hair is falling out. 

My grandmother - my father's mother - looms large in the imaginations of her grandchildren and has assumed almost mythic status. She died when I was a baby and I have no memories of her, but I really wish I'd had a chance to get to know her. She was a leopard print wearing, poodle owning, chain smoking, home gin brewing dynamo who raised five children on barely any money. She was also bald, and owned a selection of wigs, turbans and headpieces, which are the subject of a series of long running jokes on my dad's side of the family. But even though I've always thought the jokes were funny, I've also always lived in fear that the same thing will happen to me. I've got very, very fine hair - I don't think I've ever been to the hairdresser had not had them comment on it: 'oh my God! Your hair is like a baby's hair! I've never seen hair this fine before!' - and it grows at glacial speed. I've always been careful not to overdo it with hair colouring or styling, because I want to protect the precious little hair I already have. I mean, I've never been at comb-over level of thin hair, but it's always been a sensitive issue for me. 

And now this. I've been crying on and off all day. I know it's appalling and shallow, but I think I would be less scared if I found out I had some horrible disease. At least you can explain that to people. Long, thick hair is so fundamental to the way we perceive a woman's attractiveness, so much so that I can't help but feel that female baldness is repellant (sorry if it has happened to you, I don't mean to be cruel), and I feel sick to my stomach to think it might be an inevitability for me. 

I guess I just drew the short straw in the genetic lottery - out my grandmother's four grownup female grandchildren, I'm the only one this has happened to and I can't help but feel angry in a futile sort of way.

I'm going to get checked out on Thursday, and the vain and irresponsible part of my brain wants it to be an underlying health problem, because at least then I can fix it, or at least treat it. If it's just that my life as someone with a full head of hair is over, there's not really anything I can do but get fitted for a wig, buy a poodle and take up smoking.

Fingers crossed.