An approximation of a conversation I had with my boss

Boss: Tash, how are you with Excel?

Me: Um. Well, we used to have one, but we gave it to this friend of ours who lives in a commune. But I acutally don't have my driver's license, so...

Boss: ...

Me: We have a Subaru now.

Boss: (in the careful tones of one speaking to a possibly violent crazy person on the bus) No... Microsoft Excel.

Me: Oh. Um. I'm really good at it! (accompanied by an unconvincing rictus grin)

Boss: Great! Now, what I want you to do is (what followed was white noise. Something about currency conversions). Does that sound OK?

Me: No problem!

Now, you may be totally unsurprised to learn that I know nothing about Excel. I spent the rest of the day faffing around with a spreadsheet, getting ever more frantic as the hours ticked away and I had still made no discernible progress. Eventually I confessed all. My boss was slightly bemused, and showed me how to do what he was asking me to do. Which I promptly forgot, and today I had to do it all again and I was far too embarrassed to ask him for help again. 

By the end of the day today I was in the calm oasis that precedes having to demonstrate incontrovertibly that one is a total dipshit when my fellow woman employee walked past my desk. 'Oh', she said, after a quick glance over my shoulder, 'you want that to be like this'. A click and it was fixed. 

My boss was pleased.

I still don't know how to do whatever it is they're having me do with Excel.

How long can I keep up this deception? Tune in tomorrow to find out!